Tag Archives: Mental Illness

Mood Swinging

L0032442 CARSON: Patients waiting to see doctor

I started a folder named Manic Ravings.  I was tired of them clogging up my main drive where I might click on them accidentally and be subjected to their random nonsense at any time.  I thought it might be better to just give them their own space.  That’s why I wrote them in the first place.  To get them out of my head.  I don’t need to keep seeing the files.  They are disjointed and hard to follow.  It’s part of the disease I call Temporal Lobe Epilepsy and Bipolar Depression or Mood Disorder or whatever.  I like to tell myself, “Bitch, you’re brain be broke.”

Not all of my thoughts are correct.  Not all of my memories are coherent or consistent with facts.  My brain works overtime, ruminating on the same thoughts, thousands of times over again.  Each time it evolves and twists and spirals into something else.

I wish I didn’t have to think so much.  It’s a burden.  All these thoughts clog up my brain.  Gears whir in the background, the springs tighten.  My muscles are tense and ready to pounce.  I don’t like to feel that way.  It aches.  It seems predestined, like a freight train, unable to be stopped.

There is always a small part of me that knows the rest is false.  A small light shines through the fog.  It takes a long time for that light to grow bright enough to illuminate the room.  I am a ship lost at sea or Lake Erie.  I can’t remember where I set sail or how long it’s been.

In the meantime, I will be left to stumble around in the dark and hazy gray lobes of my brain.  If I’m lucky, I’ll keep my mouth shut and not say every damned thing that comes to my mind.

Somehow I doubt that.  I have never been able to shut my mouth.  My words and thoughts assault me at all times.  I have no choice but to spit them out.  It’s a nasty habit.  I try to be a reformed mood addict, then the rages take over.  I cannot think of anything else.  My body shakes.  I scream and cry and can’t remember clearly when it’s over.  I can’t say it’s worse than seizures, but it’s not better that’s for sure.

I write about my mood swings least of all.  They are the most shameful to me.  The loss of control of my body is less scary than the loss of control of my mind and my mouth.  When I am enraged I will say anything to anyone.  I offend myself with the things I say.  I forget what I say.  Then a seizure will wipe it all away.  My memories are questionable at best.

All I can do is try to live in the present moment and not the past.  It’s a sticky trap back there.  There is no sense in trying to make sense of mania.  It’s not sensible.  It too shall pass.  It comes and it goes.  It is the nature of the Beast.  I cannot kill it.  I cannot tame it.  I can only hope to someday live symbiotically with my Brain.

Today is a good day.

***

(Image by Rosemary Carson: Patients waiting to see Doctor)

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Filed under Essays, Non-fiction

72 Hours

SuicidePrevention

Twice I played an active role in admitting a person to the hospital under a 72 hour watch. Both were voluntarily involuntary. Each time I asked them if they could guarantee me their safety and they could not. Body mutilation is not okay. It is not, not suicide. If you can’t tell me you won’t cut yourself, then you need a few hours away from knives and guns and pills and belts.

I both regretted it and did not regret it at the time. It felt heartless to send them away to be alone in a green room. They are both still alive though, and that’s something. Maybe they wouldn’t have hurt themselves, but we don’t have to know. We don’t have to miss them the way we miss Robin Williams and my cousin Haley. Suicide is 100% preventable. It’s the only cause of death that is.

The first person I admitted was a young girl at the youth shelter I worked at. She was agitated and crying and had cut herself more than once in the past. I asked her straight out, “Are you at risk of harming yourself or anybody else?” She couldn’t guarantee me that she wouldn’t cut herself. I took her to the mental hospital that night. I don’t mess around.

The second time it was my close friend who had just lost her father. She had told me, on more than one occasion, that she would probably need to be hospitalized when her father died. You don’t say that if you don’t mean it. She also told me, more than once, that being hospitalized after the death of her mother was the only thing that kept her alive then. I wasn’t going to let her stay home. She told me too many time, she was too upset. She could not 100% guarantee me that she would not hurt herself. I reminded her of what she told me, how Haldol saved her life. I made her get into the ambulance and leave.

After she left, we went through everything. It was a huge invasion of her privacy. At first I just wanted to wash the dirty dishes and clean the bed, but soon it became apparent that more needed to be done. I had to check everything. I don’t regret checking. Her arms were covered in fresh wounds. There were razor blades in her fucking bed. We took all the knives and her father’s meds. Her father was dead, he didn’t need them anymore.

I regret that she had to spend the night her father died alone, in a hospital, surrounded by people suspicious of her. She wouldn’t visit me when I went the next day. But I don’t have to regret that she is dead because she is alive. And that’s enough for me.

Suicide isn’t something that you want to do forever. It just happens at a peak, at a time of crisis. If you can survive that crisis time, you can survive. The idea of suicide will go away. It’s not always with you. But you have to get past that crisis. If you can keep a person safe for 72 hours, you might just save a life. I hope I did. Twice. Maybe three times.

One other time I recommended a 72 hour hospitalization for my friend. I could feel the mania radiating off of him. He was a different person. I told his loved ones they needed to send him, he wasn’t safe. I wasn’t there when it happened, but when the time came, he went voluntarily involuntary. He is also still alive. He is not suffering from a raging, manic phase. I don’t know how any of these people feel about my role in their hospitalizations. Perhaps they resent me for it. I don’t care. They are all alive to resent me.

I’m watching clips of Robin Williams on YouTube. I can see the pain hidden behind his eyes. I know his pain. I too suffer from depression. Its cold hard grasp keeps me tight despite Academy Awards and Golden Globes. None of that matters. Not a loving family and warm bed to sleep in at night. Depression doesn’t care at all. It can happen to anybody.

And if you can’t guarantee me that you will not hurt yourself in any way, then I’m going to take you to the hospital where they can.

RIP Robin, Haley, Sarah, and all the victims of suicide. The world needed you.

If you are considering suicide,

Please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 24/7

1-800-273-8255

The world needs you

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Filed under Essays, News

Your Friendly Neighborhood Terrorist

A story in 140 Tweets or less.

Hey I just joined Twitter and I’d just like to state for the record that I was coerced.  Happy Smith22?  Follow me to the moon or higher!

Good morning Twittersphere.  How are you all this morning?  I’m hungry.  Aren’t you so glad to know that?  Tweet tweet motherfucker!

#whatarehashtagsallabout?  I like spaces.  Deep Space.  Gonna get lost out there.

Classes start next week, I think we need a blowout!  Bonfire and fireworks Saturday, Beach 12, 8 pm.  Bring stuff to burn!

I love my job, sitting in the sun by the hotel pool.  Anybody wanna come swim?  #iamsobored  That’s so bored not sobered.

Burn, baby, burn!  The show starts at dark.

The Bonfire is bon-firing.  Jk-sta  Where are you?  Haha!  The jokes on you, I came this way!  Smith22  This party is on fire!

Hung over = don’t eat eggs.  Sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Rain rain, go away.  I don’t want to move in the rain today.  That shit pisses me off.

Meeting the roommate for the first time.  I hope he’s not a Herb.  Man, I missed Dorm food.  For real.  My mom can’t cook.

My roommate snores.  Fuck me.  I can tell that I’m not going to like him already.

8 am class on Monday?  What was I thinking??  #sleptthroughmyfirstclass   not a good start to the year.

I need a new iPod Herb’s snoring will drive me insane. All donations accepted cash or used iPhones.  Ain’t too proud  Smith22

The hotel pool is closing The Boss doesn’t want employees and insurance he wants to keep  all the money for himself.  #yaynomorejob

Jk-sta  I need someone to sext with.  Wats your moms number?

Dude man, I’m not joking.    Ain’t got no money, can’t find no honey.

Professor X is a creepy lady.  I’m not going to her office hours ever again.  Hellz no!  What’s the opposite of a cougar?

Why does Organic chemistry have to be so hard? I think need a hot tutor.  Imma head to the library to look for plaid skirts.

Why is twitter only 140 characters?  Sometimes that’s just not enough.  It usually is. Some ppl have too much to say.  Bbbbbllllgggrrhhhg-FU

People keep talking and I don’t want to listen to the bullshit anymore.  I quit.  I won’t play that game.

So tired.  I wish I could learn how to snore just to fuck with my roomie.  Grrrrrrr

I give up.  Buying earplugs.  What has the world come to?  Why do I  always get the worst roommates?  #mustcontroltherage

Earplugs are the greatest invention ever  #saidnobodyever   Now my ears hurt. Fucker!  I think of all the ways I could kill him in his sleep

Go the results from my first chem exam of the year.  Why don’t you guess how excited I am? #itsnotalot

Why can I get an A in anatomy class but an F with the ladies?

I took too many hard classes this semester, I need to go into hiding. Next semester I’m taking Basket Weaving or The History of Drug Taking

Halloween par-tay to-day.  You won’t recognize me.  #bestzombieever  I am gonnna get fucked up enough to stumble around like a real zombie yo

Smith22 Where is my chainsaw?  Did I leave it at your house?  I need it back bro.  I was supposed to change the blades.

Homework or try to sleep.  You decide.

Still gotta do that homework.  Procrasti Nation population me  #Naptime

Jk-sta  I need a break after this week.  Amuse me.  I think we need another Road Trip!  Woot woot!

That was not a train whistle.  If it was, the train would have hit you and killed you by now! #bloodandgoreonthetracks

Got lost on the road trip, met some hot girls, it was priceless but why did she have to live in SC?  Fuck south Carolina!

Too bad USC sucks.  I would move there for her.  #shesthathot

We picked us some goodies out of state.  Hit me up.  I’ll be up all night.  Sleep hates me.

I am buried under homework..  Where is that hot teacher I was promised?

Roommate went home for the weekend.  Finally SLEEP.  Don’t expect to hear from me for the whole weekend.

I’m still asleep.  Just twittering in my sleep, like sleepwalking but cooler.

My Xbox is my only friend.   By choice.  Boo-ya!  It’s the only one who doesn’t judge me unfairly.

Smith22 where’s that hunny that you owe me?  It’s all about the Benjamins.  For the strippers.  They need to feed their families too.

Jk-sta Tell your mom I said Hi.  I’ll be down to the club to see her soon.

I’m too hungry to walk, why doesn’t college have room service? There are a lot of things I’d like delivered to me  #foodsexdrugsrockandroll

Also a new roommate.  Dude stinks.  I thought he was going  home for his mama to do his laundry.  #jokesonme

Found my roommates stash.  What do you think I did with it? I hate him.  Fool.

I think that there are more ppl in the world that I hate than ppl that I don’t hate.  #backstabbersshoulddie

Asses not classes.  “I like big butts and I cannot lie” I need a girl with a big butt  #whatithinkaboutinclass

Can’t sleep.  Things get wonky when I can’t sleep, I should sell insomnia on the black market #itlikesabaddrugtrip

If you meet a girl, do you give her your twitter name on the first day or do you create a fake account just for her? #cleverinternetstalker

No she’s not a stripper Smith22

Missed a chem exam…  Totally fucked up my grade but it was worth it.  #askemewhatiwasdoing

Fuck, I can’t believe I did that.  Oh yes I can.  Jealous much?  You should be.  I can learn how to do all the chemistry I need online.

Running out of time to get my shit together.  I just can’t focus  #schoolsux

I miss my Boo.  Yea I said it.   Jk-sta Get off my dick.

I’m hungry and shes doing her hair  Im not gonna complain I want to get laid, I’m gonna lock Herb out of the room tonight  #boomchickawowwow

Dorm life sux  #roommatecockblock  I’m gonna get out and live the Thug life 4eva.  Don’t push me.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

This is the most boring class ever.  Cant sleep at night, then come to this class.  Zzzzzzzz

Nobody lives forever.  How do you want to be remembered??  Blaze of glory or fade away?  I’m gonna blaze away

Whats more important to you?  School or sex?  Who chooses school?  Don’t ever fall for a smart girl.  She knows too many ways to break you

Fuck me again.  #thatsnotwhatshesaid

Updating my facebook status to its complicated  #whoamikidding?  Life is always complicated and then you die.

I was blowing up zombies in my dreams last night.  I’ll be ready for the zombie apocalypse, will you?  #iwonthesitatetokillzombieyou

I should just study and get over this shit.  Bitches aint shit  #thingsmymothershouldhavetoldme

There’s more fish in the sea but who wants a fish?  #thatsfuckedup

I’m hungry.  Anybody want to feed me?  #imapitcherplant  I hate eating with strangers.  Who is judging who?

Jk-sta Whats ur mom doing tonight?

I saw that bitch holding hands with some scrawny dude today.  So pissed I want to punch him in the balls.

I want to burn shit, or blow up some fireworks  #nofireintherain  I wish I could set fire to the rain.  That would be awesome.

Is this semester over yet?  People at this school are so stupid. They’re just sheep.  Nobody thinks for themselves anymore.

This is not what I signed up for.  Can I get a Hell No?  Hell NO!  Fuck me!  #thatswhatiwishshesaid

It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere!  Wait, I don’t care!  I don’t need to wait.  I need a change of location and state of mind.

Drinking Corona is not as good as the commercials promise.  #justmorelies  I need something stronger.

Phone calls from the ‘rents tonight.  Yes, that is calls, plural.  Why are they suddenly so worried? Could have used that when I was a kid.

Everythings so fucked up these days.  I don’t even know what to think.  I don’t even know if am I more tired or more hungry!

You must be hungry when you can’t sleep but when you do fall asleep you dream about food. I feel like once again, I chose wrong.

Fucking Cafeteria closed early??  I am not walking to the Union Bldg.  I am raiding the roommate’s closet of snacks.  Shh.  What a Herb.

“Breaking Bad” reminds me of my childhood.  My parents didn’t make meth but they should have.

Why does this shit always happen to me?  I’m just trying to live my life, don’t give me your strife!

It’s Friday, I aint got shit to do….

I’m feeling like a trip to the City is in order.  I need to escape this place.  The city has what I need.

Jk-sta not that kind of trip jerkface

You’d be sick too if you used your brain.  Also my back hurts so bad, I think I need a script.  I need me a good doctor.

If you legally own a gun and have a permit to carry, can you keep it in your dorm room?  #dontaskwhyiwanttoknw

I guess Mr Scrawny wasn’t as good.  #bootycall  I am always straight up for a booty call.  Well maybe straight up and a little to the left.

I can’t let that girl back into my head, she’s a heartbreaker.  I deserve a friend with benefits.  At least I know she ain’t a golddigger.

Yes, she did go to Catholic School and yes she has her uniform, thank your God.  Could things be turning around?  Knock on my morning wood

Smith22 take your road trip without me.  I’m getting busy up in here.  I’ll owe you one.  You know the drill.

Smith22 why is your phone off?  Don’t fucking fuck with me!

Can’t sleep.  Again.  I wish I could turn off my brain.  It’s much too loud in here.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever fall asleep again, then I think that I’m asleep and this is all a dream.  It’s not  #idreamaboutsleeping

Time to party!  I only want to think about one kind of chemistry.  Maybe a few kinds.  I wish passing my Chem tests were this easy.

Girls cum and girls go, I’m just along for the ride.  I guess I’ll see her the next time she’s drunk and horny.  #imnotakeeper

Anybody wanna hit Big Tony’s Tacos?  #iwantataco

Fireworks, boom, boom, boooooooooooooooom!   I like to feel the boom down into my bones.

Insomnia is my best friend.  Shit! it makes me angry not to sleep.  I swear someone is fucking with me.  If there’s a God, he hates me!

Call of Duty!  You’re going down Smith22   Up all night, rage on!  Since I can’t sleep, I might as well shoot stuff.

I should sign up for night classes next semester.  Cant sleep + morning classes = oh shit.

If I fuck up another test I’m going to blow!  The Professor needs to know.  #fullyloaded

Is this semester over yet?  It’s really pissing me off.  I’m going to step off.

Can you believe people still follow Phish around?  I like the drugs but the music sucks!  #ihatehippies

Why are ppl so fake?  I have begun to peel away the illusions of life and see reality, the world is full of fuckers.

Sometimes I think I wasn’t made to live in this world.  Smith22 jk-sta where’s the party?

I need greed.  It’s the way of the world  #am I right?

I wish my roommate would stop watching me when I sleep.  I can’t feel it when I close my eyes.  It itches.

I told yo, I don’t do religion.  I AM all of the religions rolled in into one.   You can call me Big Daddy or you can call me God  #dontask

Jk-sta I’m going to burn down your Christmas tree.  #justkidding  Or am i?

Winter break = hibernation.  That was my plan anyway my sister’s crying baby is still less annoying than Herb’s snoring.  #dontbabiessleep?

New years, time to party.  I have the party favors.  Who’s got the fireworks?  BOOM.  Watch your fingers Smith22

I want to fly away.

Superman is a lie.  But you can call me the Dark Night.

Don’t ask me if you don’t want to know.  And believe me, you don’t want to know.

My mom wants to set me up with a nice girl.  How can I tell her?  mom I like my girls dirty.  Very dirty. Don’t I deserve a nice dirty girl?

Fighting with my mom over some imaginary girlfriend is some bunk ass bullshit. #shedontevenknowmeanymore

I’m going to the shooting range to release some stress.  I’ll shoot my troubles straight in their ugly faces.

Do you ever feel like there should be more to life?

It should be illegal.  Friends don’t let friends text drunk.  Thanks for letting me down.

I met this old dude yesterday.  I stayed out late listening to him talk, he told me a lot of deep things.  Can one person change your life?

You can’t control what comes into your life, you can’t only control how you react or overact to it.

Some people get it, most don’t.  You are the master of your life, I am the master of my life, You cant tell me what to do anymore #crazylife

No rest for the wicked.  Why does sleep hate me so much?   I still hope that someday I will sleep like a normal person #dreamingwhileimawake

If I fall asleep right now I can get 20 minutes of sleep before I have to get up.  #givingup

Nobody chooses to be crazy.  Most people choose to be assholes.  I choose to be a Badass!  You can’t fool me.  Don’t even try.

My anger is like a flame that burns inside and gives me purpose.  #whatareyouangryabout?

If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention.  #turnoffjerseyshore  I hate ppl who watch reality TV that shit aint real.

Who has the fireworks?  Some sparks will fly this weekend.  I need to blow something up.

What is your favorite form of escapism?  Mine is not sleep.  Even tho I wish it was.

TV = Mind control.  who controls your mind?  Mind your own mind.  Tell the voices in my head to shut up.

What if every choice you made was an important as whether or not you jumped off a bridge?  Are you going to jump?

There are things you cannot learn in school.  Luckily you can google it instead.  Boom.

Who’s YOUR Daddy?  I bet you don’t even know.  Bastard.

Sex, Drugs, and Fill In The Blank  Violence,  fireworks, more sex, more drugs, all of the above.

Sometimes I get so angry I think I’m going to explode.   Why did you have to do me like that B?  My revenge will be sweet.

Going to the shooting range tonight.  Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.  Bang. Bang.

You are more dangerous than you think.  And so am I!  “I’ll kill your dog for fun, so don’t push me!” Natalie Portman says it like it is.

I’m just waiting for the Matrix to appear bro.

Maybe if I break up with sleep, sleep will want me back and then I can fall asleep  #fuckinsomnia  my pulse is too loud to sleep.

I can hear the ppl in the dorm talking about me in the hall.  I wouldn’t do that if I were them.

Do you even want to try to understand me?  All things change, even me.  You don’t know what I’m capable of.  Count on it.

I don’t get people and people don’t get me.  Like oil and water, we don’t mix.  It’s a violent exothermic chemical reaction.

I’m tired of all the noise up in here.  It’s getting so I cant think straight anymore.

Don’t Blink.  You aren’t safe anywhere.  Boom.

**But then he received adequate mental health care and therapy.  And nobody got blown up or injured in any way.**

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Filed under Fiction