My Land of Confusion

leelas not sure

 My brain has this evil trick it plays on me.  I know the pattern well enough by now.  We call it temporal lobe epilepsy.  People are always asking me questions about seizures.  I answer to the best of my ability.  Sometimes I physically can’t answer, “Hey, I’m an Epileptic.  This is no big deal  for me and I want to go to bed.”  My brain is wired so damn weird.  Give me a little time to find my way out of the land of seizures and confusion.  I’ll swim back to full consciousness soon with another story from the depths of semi-consciousness.

Most of the time I am not trapped in my body and I like to talk.  I am a Chatty Kathy, even though I hate it when people call me that.  Ask me anything; I will happily ask you anything.  I don’t want to talk to anyone after a seizure.

Ambulances and hospitals are terrifying when you don’t know where you are.  I have had that happen to me enough times.  I am happy to go to the ER if I have a real emergency.  But not because I cannot remember my middle name or even if I am unresponsive.  I slur my words and bump into things.  I vomit.  Eventually I rewind and I can talk.  Look how well I am writing now.  Ask me anything!

I have had epilepsy my whole life, I have known for nearly twenty years. The diagnosis has been the same since 1997.  We don’t know why you have seizures.  It just happens sometimes.  The first time I woke up in the ER was the last time an ER doctor gave me information I needed.

The post-seizure ER experience is always the same, flying down the hospital halls, the lights piercing my brain like an ice pick.  I’m not claustrophobic, except when I wake up screaming in pain from the noise and I have no idea why I am in the Hell-Hole of a CAT scan tube.

Every seizure CAN be an emergency, but every seizure is NOT an emergency.  Please don’t call 911.  It feels like a punishment to me.  The sound is too much.  Give me time to come out of it.  It might be an hour or more.  That’s my normal.   It is a long climb out of the abyss.  It’s The E Life.  It’s My Life.  Epilepsy is a weird disorder or disease, whichever you prefer to say.   I know there is a risk of more seizures due to every single seizure I have.  Seizures beget seizures.  I also have a 100% Seizure-Free Tolerance.  Sometimes works out to be more like 80% Seizure-Freedom.  I’ll take what I can get.  30% of epileptics never gain complete seizure control.

Even when I’m not fully conscious, I’m still in there somewhere, lost in my brain.  I’ll be back soon.  I will eventually know what year it is.  (The last time a paramedic asked me that question while I was still coming out of a seizure, I said it was 2007.)  Please wait, my confusion will clear and my brain will land back in reality.  I hope.

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Filed under Essays, Living w/ Epilepsy, Non-fiction, Uncategorized

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