Blood or Bone

keep calm

May I please be explicit: I do not want to go to the hospital due to one, two, three, four, or possibly even more seizures.  Unless I am bleeding or you see bone, please leave me alone.  2000% alone.  If I am unconscious, leave me that way.  If I am still breathing, I am trapped away and I want to be.  I’ll be back soon.  Please do not touch me.  Please Do Not Call 911.  Seizures are not emergencies for me.

Trying to understand what someone is saying to you during and after a seizure is impossible.  It takes too much effort.  It hurts.  I do not want to answer questions about my seizures or anything.  I do not want to be conscious at all.  My body wants to be unconscious for days afterwards.  It needs to be too.  My brain is mush and cannot stay focused.  I want to be home alone in bed, and never in a hospital bed.  I won’t know how old I am when you ask me, and not even what year it is too.  I know who I am when I am me, but who am I when I’m not me?  I don’t want to go to the hospital to find out.  Eventually I know what year it is and the month too.  It just takes me some time.

This isn’t my first rodeo.  This isn’t my hundredth seizure.  I am more aware of my epilepsy and seizures that anyone in the ER.  And I can’t tell them anything.  Don’t call 911 just because I have a seizure.  I don’t want to go to the hospital.  It is unnecessary and terrifying too.  There is no net gain.  We know what we know and we know what we don’t know.  It never changes.  I always want to be at home instead of an ER.

Blood or bone.  Otherwise please leave me alone.  You can prop me up and make sure I don’t fall over but please don’t ask me questions.  Don’t hold me down.  I know it looks scary.  It’s not that big of a thing for me to zap out  every now and again.  Sometimes you seize the day, sometimes the day seizes you.  That’s epilepsy.

Don’t make me go to the ER.  It is too painful.  I can’t have every seizure be an emergency.  After a seizure all I want for days is sleep.  Leave me alone.  If I am drooling on myself, you can wipe my face, otherwise don’t touch me.  Don’t talk to me.  Don’t shine lights on me.  I WANT to be unconscious.  My brain has just shorted out, I need to sleep it off.  Epilepsy is everyday for me.

If you just wait a while I will come around.  My kids and husband don’t bat an eye, they know to put me to bed.  This is my life.  I can’t count how many ER doctors have diagnosed me with epilepsy.  Why are you telling me this again?  I’ve been living in this world of semi-unconsciousness for decades.  I probably know more about seizures than you do, I just can’t answer questions right now.  Soon I will tell you everything and maybe I could teach you something new.  Don’t you think I know what to do in the case of a seizure??  I read all the literature.  I write that literature too.  Can I go home now??

Please do not take me to the hospital over a seizure or two.  I promise I will be back in twenty minutes or an hour or two.  Let my husband decide if it’s a real emergency.  Wait until he gets here.  He will know if it’s a normal bad seizure day or not.  He knows who I am when I am not me.  I am not a normal person, but this normal for me.  I already know that.  Don’t make me wait for another ER doctor to tell me.  I know.

It hurts too much to speak.  If I am not dead, I’m alive!  This happens literally all of the time.  It’s my super-power, back from the brink of death again and again.  If I am breathing and not bleeding please do not touch me.  Wait until I am conscious to take me away. I will tell you if I am having a gallbladder attack or a real emergency.  If I just had a seizure and that’s it, that’s it!  That is my life.  Going to the ER only hurts me.  I am broken in two.  It was the hospital visit, not this seizure or two.

Epilepsy is a painful inconvenience for my family.  But it is simply our life.  It is scary to see, I’m told.  But once you know what it looks like it’s boring, everyday, common-sauce.  I’ll come around soon enough.  Keep calm.  It’s just a seizure.  Ask my children, ask my husband, they will tell you.  Just leave me alone and wait.  My brain just does this.  The ER doctors know they don’t really know anything about epilepsy.  They will tell me to take my seizure meds and get some sleep.  See a specialist, too.  I already do.

Please don’t talk to me and make me answer questions about my medical history.  Just wait and see what happens in an hour or so.  I have talked to many doctors about my seizures.  I promise you, you will not tell me anything new.  And I don’t want to talk about it right now.  All I want, all I need, is some peace and quiet.  The bright lights and endless noises are like an assault.  And I speak from experience there too.  Every time I wake up and don’t know where I am is another scar.

I have seizures.  Don’t get freaked out.  I’ll be back up soon.  Please don’t hold me down.  Just leave me alone.  If I am confused and stumble, hold me up instead.  I gave my children those instructions long ago: when Mom is out of her head, put her to bed.  They were offended.  They already knew.  That’s the ultimate end of every hellish seizure related ER visit to date.  Go to bed.  I already know I have seizures.  My children know.  I just need to sleep now.  Please.  Dear God!  I WANT to be unconscious.  It is good for me.  Everything hurts.  Don’t make me try to explain it to someone new.

Do you know how scary it is to wake up in a hospital and be told nothing new?  I live this way.  Welcome to my regularly scheduled life!  I’ll be back soon.  We can have an eloquent conversation about my seizures then.  Right now anyone who touches me is a motherfucking asshole.  May I sincerely apologize to everyone I may have yelled profanities at.  When I am conscious, nurses and paramedics are my real life heroes.  They are my worst enemy after I’ve had a seizure or two.  Don’t waste your time on me over a seizure or three.  I’m going to be fine and please fucking don’t touch me.  Don’t poke the bear.  It hurts me to open my eyes and my mouth.  My words won’t come out right.  I can only scream.  I am trapped inside my brain.  My brain does this all of time.  I know the risk.  I know the treatment.  I know how scary it is to wake up in the ER for no reason, over and over again.  I know that nightmare too well.  I have nightmares about it.  I would like to never have to do that again.  I don’t need another fresh-faced ER doctor tell me I have epilepsy and give me a one page flier about seizures.  I know.  I fucking know.

I am well-aware of the risks.  I do not want to go to the ER unless I am not breathing or bleeding or you see bone.  A little mouth blood is de rigueur, you can wipe that off and let me be.  If you find me at bleeding and broken at the bottom of the stairs then call the paramedics and please try explain to them that I will be more than a little confused and angry when I start to get back into my conscious head.  If I am just drooling, let me be.

I will come around soon enough.  Please don’t make me wake up in a CAT-scan or MRI tube ever again.  It. is. horrifying.  The noise physically hurts.  They were yelling at me to stay still this time.  I woke up crying from the sound.  My brain can’t process things right now, but I am used to that.  It just takes a little while.  It is my brain and I am used to this shit.  My cognitive processing will come back again.  This was just a little, typical, electrical blip.  I don’t want to go to the ER just because I am unconscious.  I’ll be better soon.

They will not help me there, not just for a seizure.  That’s what the doctors always tell me in an hour or two.  If you have never had a seizure, call 911 right away.  But I’ve had a few hundred and I know what is a medical emergency for me.  I don’t want to waste your time or services or medical expenses.  I do not want tests.  I. want. to. sleep.  I’ll feel better soon.  Please don’t touch me.  I am confused and everything frightens me. I have already read all the books on epilepsy.  If I have a seizure, let me be.  Let me sleep.

Give me a few hours of unconsciousness and skip the dangers of seizures lecture, too.  I am well aware of my unawareness and the usual pattern of unraveling and spiraling back up again.  There is a pattern, I know it oh too well.  I want to call my doctor, so we can have the same talk again.  Take your meds and get plenty of rest.  That is what I was trying to do.  Can you see how the bright lights and hospital sounds could only make this worse?   Ambulances are an epileptic’s biggest nightmare.  I promise this is my normal brain, ain’t it weird?  Leave me alone.  My brain needs a little time to reset.

Epilepsy is a bitch.  But she’s my bitch.  This is just my life.  Ask my husband, ask my children, read my book.  Seizures are scary but they are not always an emergency.  Not for me.  Sorry to give you all a big scare.  I didn’t want to waste your time.  It’s not scary for me unless the paramedics are involved.  They don’t need to be.  This is just the brain I have and I don’t need to go to the hospital.

Stay Calm and Wait Twenty Minutes.  Do. Not. Call. 911.  Even if you are really, really, scared.  Just Wait.  Give me some time to come around.  I will.

Weird, huh?

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Essays, Living w/ Epilepsy, Non-fiction

Comments are closed.