Your Friendly Neighborhood Terrorist

A story in 140 Tweets or less.

Hey I just joined Twitter and I’d just like to state for the record that I was coerced.  Happy Smith22?  Follow me to the moon or higher!

Good morning Twittersphere.  How are you all this morning?  I’m hungry.  Aren’t you so glad to know that?  Tweet tweet motherfucker!

#whatarehashtagsallabout?  I like spaces.  Deep Space.  Gonna get lost out there.

Classes start next week, I think we need a blowout!  Bonfire and fireworks Saturday, Beach 12, 8 pm.  Bring stuff to burn!

I love my job, sitting in the sun by the hotel pool.  Anybody wanna come swim?  #iamsobored  That’s so bored not sobered.

Burn, baby, burn!  The show starts at dark.

The Bonfire is bon-firing.  Jk-sta  Where are you?  Haha!  The jokes on you, I came this way!  Smith22  This party is on fire!

Hung over = don’t eat eggs.  Sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Rain rain, go away.  I don’t want to move in the rain today.  That shit pisses me off.

Meeting the roommate for the first time.  I hope he’s not a Herb.  Man, I missed Dorm food.  For real.  My mom can’t cook.

My roommate snores.  Fuck me.  I can tell that I’m not going to like him already.

8 am class on Monday?  What was I thinking??  #sleptthroughmyfirstclass   not a good start to the year.

I need a new iPod Herb’s snoring will drive me insane. All donations accepted cash or used iPhones.  Ain’t too proud  Smith22

The hotel pool is closing The Boss doesn’t want employees and insurance he wants to keep  all the money for himself.  #yaynomorejob

Jk-sta  I need someone to sext with.  Wats your moms number?

Dude man, I’m not joking.    Ain’t got no money, can’t find no honey.

Professor X is a creepy lady.  I’m not going to her office hours ever again.  Hellz no!  What’s the opposite of a cougar?

Why does Organic chemistry have to be so hard? I think need a hot tutor.  Imma head to the library to look for plaid skirts.

Why is twitter only 140 characters?  Sometimes that’s just not enough.  It usually is. Some ppl have too much to say.  Bbbbbllllgggrrhhhg-FU

People keep talking and I don’t want to listen to the bullshit anymore.  I quit.  I won’t play that game.

So tired.  I wish I could learn how to snore just to fuck with my roomie.  Grrrrrrr

I give up.  Buying earplugs.  What has the world come to?  Why do I  always get the worst roommates?  #mustcontroltherage

Earplugs are the greatest invention ever  #saidnobodyever   Now my ears hurt. Fucker!  I think of all the ways I could kill him in his sleep

Go the results from my first chem exam of the year.  Why don’t you guess how excited I am? #itsnotalot

Why can I get an A in anatomy class but an F with the ladies?

I took too many hard classes this semester, I need to go into hiding. Next semester I’m taking Basket Weaving or The History of Drug Taking

Halloween par-tay to-day.  You won’t recognize me.  #bestzombieever  I am gonnna get fucked up enough to stumble around like a real zombie yo

Smith22 Where is my chainsaw?  Did I leave it at your house?  I need it back bro.  I was supposed to change the blades.

Homework or try to sleep.  You decide.

Still gotta do that homework.  Procrasti Nation population me  #Naptime

Jk-sta  I need a break after this week.  Amuse me.  I think we need another Road Trip!  Woot woot!

That was not a train whistle.  If it was, the train would have hit you and killed you by now! #bloodandgoreonthetracks

Got lost on the road trip, met some hot girls, it was priceless but why did she have to live in SC?  Fuck south Carolina!

Too bad USC sucks.  I would move there for her.  #shesthathot

We picked us some goodies out of state.  Hit me up.  I’ll be up all night.  Sleep hates me.

I am buried under homework..  Where is that hot teacher I was promised?

Roommate went home for the weekend.  Finally SLEEP.  Don’t expect to hear from me for the whole weekend.

I’m still asleep.  Just twittering in my sleep, like sleepwalking but cooler.

My Xbox is my only friend.   By choice.  Boo-ya!  It’s the only one who doesn’t judge me unfairly.

Smith22 where’s that hunny that you owe me?  It’s all about the Benjamins.  For the strippers.  They need to feed their families too.

Jk-sta Tell your mom I said Hi.  I’ll be down to the club to see her soon.

I’m too hungry to walk, why doesn’t college have room service? There are a lot of things I’d like delivered to me  #foodsexdrugsrockandroll

Also a new roommate.  Dude stinks.  I thought he was going  home for his mama to do his laundry.  #jokesonme

Found my roommates stash.  What do you think I did with it? I hate him.  Fool.

I think that there are more ppl in the world that I hate than ppl that I don’t hate.  #backstabbersshoulddie

Asses not classes.  “I like big butts and I cannot lie” I need a girl with a big butt  #whatithinkaboutinclass

Can’t sleep.  Things get wonky when I can’t sleep, I should sell insomnia on the black market #itlikesabaddrugtrip

If you meet a girl, do you give her your twitter name on the first day or do you create a fake account just for her? #cleverinternetstalker

No she’s not a stripper Smith22

Missed a chem exam…  Totally fucked up my grade but it was worth it.  #askemewhatiwasdoing

Fuck, I can’t believe I did that.  Oh yes I can.  Jealous much?  You should be.  I can learn how to do all the chemistry I need online.

Running out of time to get my shit together.  I just can’t focus  #schoolsux

I miss my Boo.  Yea I said it.   Jk-sta Get off my dick.

I’m hungry and shes doing her hair  Im not gonna complain I want to get laid, I’m gonna lock Herb out of the room tonight  #boomchickawowwow

Dorm life sux  #roommatecockblock  I’m gonna get out and live the Thug life 4eva.  Don’t push me.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

This is the most boring class ever.  Cant sleep at night, then come to this class.  Zzzzzzzz

Nobody lives forever.  How do you want to be remembered??  Blaze of glory or fade away?  I’m gonna blaze away

Whats more important to you?  School or sex?  Who chooses school?  Don’t ever fall for a smart girl.  She knows too many ways to break you

Fuck me again.  #thatsnotwhatshesaid

Updating my facebook status to its complicated  #whoamikidding?  Life is always complicated and then you die.

I was blowing up zombies in my dreams last night.  I’ll be ready for the zombie apocalypse, will you?  #iwonthesitatetokillzombieyou

I should just study and get over this shit.  Bitches aint shit  #thingsmymothershouldhavetoldme

There’s more fish in the sea but who wants a fish?  #thatsfuckedup

I’m hungry.  Anybody want to feed me?  #imapitcherplant  I hate eating with strangers.  Who is judging who?

Jk-sta Whats ur mom doing tonight?

I saw that bitch holding hands with some scrawny dude today.  So pissed I want to punch him in the balls.

I want to burn shit, or blow up some fireworks  #nofireintherain  I wish I could set fire to the rain.  That would be awesome.

Is this semester over yet?  People at this school are so stupid. They’re just sheep.  Nobody thinks for themselves anymore.

This is not what I signed up for.  Can I get a Hell No?  Hell NO!  Fuck me!  #thatswhatiwishshesaid

It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere!  Wait, I don’t care!  I don’t need to wait.  I need a change of location and state of mind.

Drinking Corona is not as good as the commercials promise.  #justmorelies  I need something stronger.

Phone calls from the ‘rents tonight.  Yes, that is calls, plural.  Why are they suddenly so worried? Could have used that when I was a kid.

Everythings so fucked up these days.  I don’t even know what to think.  I don’t even know if am I more tired or more hungry!

You must be hungry when you can’t sleep but when you do fall asleep you dream about food. I feel like once again, I chose wrong.

Fucking Cafeteria closed early??  I am not walking to the Union Bldg.  I am raiding the roommate’s closet of snacks.  Shh.  What a Herb.

“Breaking Bad” reminds me of my childhood.  My parents didn’t make meth but they should have.

Why does this shit always happen to me?  I’m just trying to live my life, don’t give me your strife!

It’s Friday, I aint got shit to do….

I’m feeling like a trip to the City is in order.  I need to escape this place.  The city has what I need.

Jk-sta not that kind of trip jerkface

You’d be sick too if you used your brain.  Also my back hurts so bad, I think I need a script.  I need me a good doctor.

If you legally own a gun and have a permit to carry, can you keep it in your dorm room?  #dontaskwhyiwanttoknw

I guess Mr Scrawny wasn’t as good.  #bootycall  I am always straight up for a booty call.  Well maybe straight up and a little to the left.

I can’t let that girl back into my head, she’s a heartbreaker.  I deserve a friend with benefits.  At least I know she ain’t a golddigger.

Yes, she did go to Catholic School and yes she has her uniform, thank your God.  Could things be turning around?  Knock on my morning wood

Smith22 take your road trip without me.  I’m getting busy up in here.  I’ll owe you one.  You know the drill.

Smith22 why is your phone off?  Don’t fucking fuck with me!

Can’t sleep.  Again.  I wish I could turn off my brain.  It’s much too loud in here.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever fall asleep again, then I think that I’m asleep and this is all a dream.  It’s not  #idreamaboutsleeping

Time to party!  I only want to think about one kind of chemistry.  Maybe a few kinds.  I wish passing my Chem tests were this easy.

Girls cum and girls go, I’m just along for the ride.  I guess I’ll see her the next time she’s drunk and horny.  #imnotakeeper

Anybody wanna hit Big Tony’s Tacos?  #iwantataco

Fireworks, boom, boom, boooooooooooooooom!   I like to feel the boom down into my bones.

Insomnia is my best friend.  Shit! it makes me angry not to sleep.  I swear someone is fucking with me.  If there’s a God, he hates me!

Call of Duty!  You’re going down Smith22   Up all night, rage on!  Since I can’t sleep, I might as well shoot stuff.

I should sign up for night classes next semester.  Cant sleep + morning classes = oh shit.

If I fuck up another test I’m going to blow!  The Professor needs to know.  #fullyloaded

Is this semester over yet?  It’s really pissing me off.  I’m going to step off.

Can you believe people still follow Phish around?  I like the drugs but the music sucks!  #ihatehippies

Why are ppl so fake?  I have begun to peel away the illusions of life and see reality, the world is full of fuckers.

Sometimes I think I wasn’t made to live in this world.  Smith22 jk-sta where’s the party?

I need greed.  It’s the way of the world  #am I right?

I wish my roommate would stop watching me when I sleep.  I can’t feel it when I close my eyes.  It itches.

I told yo, I don’t do religion.  I AM all of the religions rolled in into one.   You can call me Big Daddy or you can call me God  #dontask

Jk-sta I’m going to burn down your Christmas tree.  #justkidding  Or am i?

Winter break = hibernation.  That was my plan anyway my sister’s crying baby is still less annoying than Herb’s snoring.  #dontbabiessleep?

New years, time to party.  I have the party favors.  Who’s got the fireworks?  BOOM.  Watch your fingers Smith22

I want to fly away.

Superman is a lie.  But you can call me the Dark Night.

Don’t ask me if you don’t want to know.  And believe me, you don’t want to know.

My mom wants to set me up with a nice girl.  How can I tell her?  mom I like my girls dirty.  Very dirty. Don’t I deserve a nice dirty girl?

Fighting with my mom over some imaginary girlfriend is some bunk ass bullshit. #shedontevenknowmeanymore

I’m going to the shooting range to release some stress.  I’ll shoot my troubles straight in their ugly faces.

Do you ever feel like there should be more to life?

It should be illegal.  Friends don’t let friends text drunk.  Thanks for letting me down.

I met this old dude yesterday.  I stayed out late listening to him talk, he told me a lot of deep things.  Can one person change your life?

You can’t control what comes into your life, you can’t only control how you react or overact to it.

Some people get it, most don’t.  You are the master of your life, I am the master of my life, You cant tell me what to do anymore #crazylife

No rest for the wicked.  Why does sleep hate me so much?   I still hope that someday I will sleep like a normal person #dreamingwhileimawake

If I fall asleep right now I can get 20 minutes of sleep before I have to get up.  #givingup

Nobody chooses to be crazy.  Most people choose to be assholes.  I choose to be a Badass!  You can’t fool me.  Don’t even try.

My anger is like a flame that burns inside and gives me purpose.  #whatareyouangryabout?

If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention.  #turnoffjerseyshore  I hate ppl who watch reality TV that shit aint real.

Who has the fireworks?  Some sparks will fly this weekend.  I need to blow something up.

What is your favorite form of escapism?  Mine is not sleep.  Even tho I wish it was.

TV = Mind control.  who controls your mind?  Mind your own mind.  Tell the voices in my head to shut up.

What if every choice you made was an important as whether or not you jumped off a bridge?  Are you going to jump?

There are things you cannot learn in school.  Luckily you can google it instead.  Boom.

Who’s YOUR Daddy?  I bet you don’t even know.  Bastard.

Sex, Drugs, and Fill In The Blank  Violence,  fireworks, more sex, more drugs, all of the above.

Sometimes I get so angry I think I’m going to explode.   Why did you have to do me like that B?  My revenge will be sweet.

Going to the shooting range tonight.  Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.  Bang. Bang.

You are more dangerous than you think.  And so am I!  “I’ll kill your dog for fun, so don’t push me!” Natalie Portman says it like it is.

I’m just waiting for the Matrix to appear bro.

Maybe if I break up with sleep, sleep will want me back and then I can fall asleep  #fuckinsomnia  my pulse is too loud to sleep.

I can hear the ppl in the dorm talking about me in the hall.  I wouldn’t do that if I were them.

Do you even want to try to understand me?  All things change, even me.  You don’t know what I’m capable of.  Count on it.

I don’t get people and people don’t get me.  Like oil and water, we don’t mix.  It’s a violent exothermic chemical reaction.

I’m tired of all the noise up in here.  It’s getting so I cant think straight anymore.

Don’t Blink.  You aren’t safe anywhere.  Boom.

**But then he received adequate mental health care and therapy.  And nobody got blown up or injured in any way.**

1 Comment

Filed under Fiction

One response to “Your Friendly Neighborhood Terrorist

  1. nirile

    um…why are you reading all these freshman tweets? i felt my brain cells dying just scrolling through this.

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